All's Fair In Love & War... I guess

Okay, here goes.. the one you've been waiting for!

The big loooooove post!!

I like to compare myself to J-Lo. Wait, let me rephrase that. I don't like to refer to myself that way, but that seems to be the way I work. I'm a serial monogamist. I've been in 3 hard-core serious relationships that lasted over 18 months and a few here and there that were short lived, but dynamic. Enthusiasm is the name of the game. Here's a list of a few big players in the game of my heart:

D - This is probably the most heart wrenching. For me anyway. D & I were together for almost 3 years and broke it off just over 6 months ago. We were living together and had a boxer, Tucker, together. We were best friends. Stress the word 'were'. He has broken my heart. Although it was ultimately my decision to leave him, the things that drove me to do it killed me. Think lies, late-night-who-knows-whats and drunken arguments. It wasn't always like that of course. It never is in the beginning. We had plans. We were going to raise boxers together, we were going to decorate our office with Red Sox paraphenalia, we had a joint cell phone account and we couldn't wait to be each others dates at his sister's wedding this summer. Our nights consisted of strip games of Super Mario and home cooking together. It tore me apart to leave him. It still does. We tried starting back up again back in December.. huge mistake. But we always make those, don't we? Oh yes..

P - Man of my dreams.. sort of. Good friend of D, better friend to me. Always listens when I talk. Makes me feel important. Well, this is how it was until I broke up with D and decided to try it with P. Big mistake again. It screwed up our great friendship. We are still pals, but there are no more late night talks and lots of awkwardness between us. There may be rumors circulating of him being in love with me, but being afraid that he can't live up to D.

A - Summer fling in South America. Totally stole my heart. May or may not have made the perfect relationship. Lots of alcohol, lots of drugs and lots of mornings waking up going 'huh?' Only to find him singing to me dressed in a poncho. We had EVERYTHING in common. It was short-lived and perfect. Then we came home.. him to his girl and me to my D. Never spoke again. I'd like to keep it that way.. but that doesn't stop me from drunk texting him every four months or so.

AC - Best guy friend from high school. Comes in and out of my life every year around the holidays. Then disappears again, never to be heard of until next time. Makes me laugh harder than anyone in my entire life. He can finish my sentences. No chance of a relationship ever. In his words and my exact thoughts "Ew!! That would be like fucking my sister.. or myself for that matter!!"

B - The new guy. My current favorite. So good on paper. So fun on the phone. So entertaining on the internet late night style.. or when I'm bored at work. One problem.. haven't met him yet. Ha? Insignificant detail. So far all signs are green.. he calls when he says he will, makes jokes about me being a giant and always leaves our phone conversations with a promise to 'come over and make a huge mess in my apartment'. He works A LOT.. but fortunately his office just happens to be very close to my apartment. Convenient? Naaaahh!! My favorite part about him so far? He doesn't know anyone from this shithole town of mine, so it'll be a whole new crowd. Good. Less chance of running into some past bullshit, namely D's past bullshit. Said he'll call tonight. Psyched.

CB - Yikes. An old friend from high school that ran into me on the wrong night, not long after I left D. Made the mistake of introducing him to my luscious lips in a drunken stupor. Haha. It was my fault really, but I didn't know that he was in a bad place as well. He clung, he's a clinger. I felt bad, so I tried to make it work. Talked to him on the phone a lot, even tried one more little date-ish thing sort of? It wasn't working. I knew no amount of regular break-up was going to do it for this guy, so I took the pussy-man way out. I stopped calling him and never returned his calls. I suck. He probably hates me.

M - One of my longest relationships. Almost 2 years. It was while I was in college. M was a very good person, very good. Treated me like gold. He admitted after the break-up that he had planned on marrying me. The whole thing filled me with immense feelings of guilt. I dropped him like a hot potato. He tried so hard to conform to what he thought I wanted.. I tried to explain to him that someone who has to conform is what I don't want! But he persisted and persisted. It totally turned me off him. Years later I still feel badly about the way things ended and think about him a lot. When I found myself completely miserable and lonely, I thought of calling him. But I resisted not wanting to have to go through the horrible feelings of leaving him again, because I know that him & I are not meant to be forever. But he had made me feel so good and that's what I was craving. Attention, I think they call it. I'm proud for resisting. I can't justify uprooting his life all over again just to appease my loneliness.

So there they are.. the men of me. How pathetic. Okay, this was a depressing post. Thanks a lot.

Anyway, with any hope the new year will bring more luck in this department. 2005 really didn't do it for me. But I'm optimistic.. well trying to be.