"Where do you go.. when the lights get turned down low?"

Where oh where has the little blogger been?

Wallowing in love. duh.

Well sort of wallowing. We've been hitting some snags, Mister D & I, but I've noticed that we are both more adamant about fixing things up. Or are we just not dealing with our problems again? Are we willing to let go? Or are we willing to ignore? Does it matter? Only in principal... and we all know that I am a HUGE fan of principal.

There are little things, and I do mean little things, that need to be worked out.. worked on, whatever. They are there. And I don't want them to be. So I've been pondering. What's the best approach to these little things?

Bombard him all at once with a big 'talk'
OR...
Work them out one at a time and hope that more don't pile up as we go along

Both sound like a big suck to me. Bleh.

But not all complaints, things have been good. We spend a lot of nights together, he calls anytime he can (ya know seeing as how I had his cell phone shut off 6 weeks ago.. ha?). We haven't really done the whole public thing much yet, but I think we're getting there. I want it to be good, I really do. And I know he does too. We're trying.. we're feeling things out, we're being cautious. We're afraid to get hurt.

At least we're finally agreeing on our feelings.

Good luck to me? Thanks.
More soon. I'm due for a good drama.

Cheesy roses and a fabulous Symphony bar

So things are fabulous with D.. fabulous! He's been showing up at all hours of the night with sweet little romantic gifts like.. himself. Good enough.

My office was closed for the day this Sunday and we spent the big snow day together. D couldn't find a place to park anywhere near my house, so he parked 6 blocks away and walked. To me. In a blizzard. To be with me. For no reason. For every reason. I was thrilled. I was.

So we spent the day playing Yahtzee and the SIMs on my laptop. We went 3 rounds of Yahtzee and then he took a nap and I made some steaks on my George Foreman. Yea.. that's the extent of my cooking skills. Feel free to laugh, I do. So then came the next 3 rounds of Yahtzee. We love competing with each other. We made wagers for whoever won all 6 rounds and of course he won. So I unfolded his wager and read it outloud.

"Sleep nakie all night long.. and some wookie."

How can you not laugh? How can you not love it? Welcome to the simple pleasures of my not-so-simple life.

I was so not looking forward to the big VD. Not the venereal disease, the Valentine's Day. God up until recently I think I would have preferred the prior VD. But last night as I lay in bed, not able to sleep at 11:45 because of all the $.99 Fruit Punch I had drank while I was watching "The Birdcage", I thought I heard a knock on my door. 'Nah' I said to myself, 'It's probably just the landlord working next door again... which is ridiculous.' But then I my doorbell rang. I threw on my grey hoodie and walked over to my door to open it and find an out-of-breath D standing there kind've covered in snow. "I can't stay, I'm parked in the middle of the road and I was supposed to meet V at my place an hour ago. Here." He hands me a red rose and a chocolate Symphony bar, my faaaavorite. I was so psyched. I mean, it's simple and it's not very involved, but it meant something to me. He left and I was very satisfied with his small gesture.

I brought my rose to work today and the girls all made fun of me.
Ehh.. they're just jealous.

<3

That was my heart you just stepped on idiot.

During my lunch break yesterday, I had kind've a heart wrenching conversation with my mom. She's a nervous wreck because her job may be pulling a huge chunk of her pay away. I've never really thought of my mom as someone who had actual troubles. She's always had it all together, all figured out. She's always the one solving my problems, right? But now I find myself trying to solve hers, trying to help in any way that I can.

We could rent out the house? She could get a small apartment and maybe even a little parttime job. My mother isn't the healthiest person in the world, so it's difficult for her to work.

I know it's not my responsibility to solve this for her, but it's weighing on my mind a lot. I'm thinking about her a lot today.

So, when she was finished venting and thanked me for my ear, she asked how I was doing as she always does. She knew right away from the hesitation in my answer that I was not feeling all that great.

You see, D has been on my mind lately and (as it always happens) when he's on my mind, he comes back into my life. I haven't really talked to him, but I did have to go into his store and tell him that the phone bill had come in and how much he owed. The look in his eye when he saw me was enough to tell me how he felt. But if that didn't hurt enough, I got a note the next day expressing that he was sorry for the last things that we had said to each other, etc. (I've already told you about this)

As much as I don't want to be that girl, I think that there is nothing I can do to prevent it. I do love this guy. And I feel in my heart that he does love me too. How can you deny that? It hurts... oh it huuuuurts. I hate it, but I miss him. I value my independence, but I miss him. He might hurt me again, but I miiiiiiss him.

I'm a dumb girl, what can I say? I'll let you know how it works out.

Keep me in your thoughts. Ha.

Copy Max, Dollar Store & Fight Night

umm.. how does this happen everytime? I get so psyched about something, and I build it up and it lets me down BIG time.

so what am I talking about? Well, I finally got together with B. And disappointed doesn't really cut it. More like kinda disgusted. He was rude, dirty and lied about his height. Ha? I hope you can get some entertainment out of this, because well.. welcome to my life.

Aghh.. I'm so upset. To boot the worst/most awkward hanging out ever I decided to celebrate my loserism by drinking way too much at a party, resulting in a terrible headache today and slight stomach queasiness. And when I came into work today, this big account that I had spent all day working on Friday called yesterday and cancelled. I have four stories to read before Wednesday in a book that I haven't even bought yet. So of course I'm in the worst mood ever.

I'm soo sick of being down.

At least Chuck Liddell won the big fight last night. I heart him. That definitely brought a smile to my face.
Or maybe it was the vodka.

End post. This day sucks.

Kate McShifty Eyes

Agghh!! This stupid medecine is making my eyes shake! I'm having trouble focusing my eyes on things that are not directly in front of me. Not good. My mom said that that medicine did the same thing to her when she was on it. Someone won't be driving tonight.. sigh. Awesome.

So yesterday was my big dentist appointment. It went better than I expected. But I did lose a lot of blood, as I thought I would. I had little blood splatter stains all over my face when I got home. You think the hygenist would have wiped my mouth or at least told me I looked like Dracula before I left.

After the dentist I went home and took a nap, my best effort at kicking this illness in the ass before it kicks me. I had the laziest day ever. My biggest excitement of the day was watching the premiere of Survivor: Panama. I normally don't watch television, but some girls at work decided to put a bet on the show, so I put my $20 in. The guy I got is a smoker and he is bugging out about not having had a cigarette. Yea.. he's really gonna survive 40 days in the jungle. Sure. $20 down the drain.

I got a little disturbing surprise in the mail on Wednesday. It was an envelope from D with a check for one of the last phone bills I had to pay for him. There was a note on the envelope. It was an apology for what happened the last time we had spoken. It had ended badly and I had pretty much written him off at that point. The note was short, but it did mention that even though he didn't show it, he did love me and thinks he always will. I looked at the note and read it a few times. But I didn't feel what I expected to.. no heaviness, no defeat, no ulitimate misery. I actually kinda felt nothing. I wasn't sure how to take it. He hasn't told me he loved me in over a year. Even when we were together. It just never happened after a certain a point. I put the note in one of my drawers and didn't think about it again until i got to work today. You wanna know why I thought of it when I got to work today? Stupid sappy love songs on the lite rock station we have to keep on at work. Bon Jovi and Guns N Roses can kiss my ass today.

Upward and onward.. and no more of that.

So I have officially talked to B on the phone everynight this week. Yesterday he even called me in the morning to say good luck at the dentist. (He listens when I taaaaalk!!!) Still no talk of meeting up. He jokes about having 10 minutes to stop by for a bite to eat, but I truley hope that this is just a joke. Anyway, I've decided to call him on my lunch break today. He told me he has tomorrow off, so I'm going to see if he wants to meet for dinner in the evening (after he goes riding of course, don't want to intrude on his only day off). I'm just going to ask him, straight up. No games, no hinting. I think he'd like that. We'll see. If I get a cold fish, I think I'm going to chalk this one up. I really like him, but I don't know if I like where this is going. I mean, what if I end up really liking him and then we get more involved. I totally won't be satisfied with the amount of time he has available. Not sure yet.. gonna have to feel this one out a little.
I'll keep you posted.

Oh and P.S. I havent been out with the girls in over a week. I think that calls for some heavy margaritas this evening. Maybe some local pub time. I miss alcohol.

I've got friends in looooow places.

B called when he said he would. See, I told this you guy is all green light on paper. Still no word about meeting yet though. He has hinted to it this week, but no set plans yet. Ahh well. No need to rush, trust me.

Woke up sick this morning.. Not nausea like usual (nerves/stress), but more like floaty head and swollen glands in the back of my throat. I just want to put my head down.. and today is pretty much my busiest day ever. I'm at work right now and this is the first few minutes I've had to even think. It's been really busy. And as soon as I get off here at 5:30 I've got to speeeeed down I-195 to class from 6-9pm. I'm taking a three-hour class at a nearby University one night a week. I'm really excited about the criteria of the class, but I'm worried about running myself ragged. That's how I usually get sick, trying to pack to much into my time. And to start off sick is definitely not good.

Aahh.. not good.

I'm psyched for Saturday... girls' day out. Me, Sara & Steph are going for lunch, cocktails, jewelry shopping and a pedicure. I couldn't need it more. It should be a very relaxing day.

I talked to CK today and she said that her and SK have tomorrow off and so do I, so I might schedule a little skincare time with them. They work at a spa in Providence and can give me free services on their days off.
I guess I'm all about the personal care lately.. haahaha. Oh and I almost forgot, dentist appointment tomorrow. Not excited. Really scared actually. I've never been afraid of the dentist before, but lately my gums have been bleeding alot, so I'm not looking oforward to a cleaning from the hygenists from hell. You know how they just kinda tear your mouth apart.. I'm prepared to lose gallons of blood.
Maybe I should have someone drive me, in case I feel to weak to drive afterward.

Too weak ugh.. what a day.. I'm too weak to complain anymore. I'll let you know how it goes.
-K

All's Fair In Love & War... I guess

Okay, here goes.. the one you've been waiting for!

The big loooooove post!!

I like to compare myself to J-Lo. Wait, let me rephrase that. I don't like to refer to myself that way, but that seems to be the way I work. I'm a serial monogamist. I've been in 3 hard-core serious relationships that lasted over 18 months and a few here and there that were short lived, but dynamic. Enthusiasm is the name of the game. Here's a list of a few big players in the game of my heart:

D - This is probably the most heart wrenching. For me anyway. D & I were together for almost 3 years and broke it off just over 6 months ago. We were living together and had a boxer, Tucker, together. We were best friends. Stress the word 'were'. He has broken my heart. Although it was ultimately my decision to leave him, the things that drove me to do it killed me. Think lies, late-night-who-knows-whats and drunken arguments. It wasn't always like that of course. It never is in the beginning. We had plans. We were going to raise boxers together, we were going to decorate our office with Red Sox paraphenalia, we had a joint cell phone account and we couldn't wait to be each others dates at his sister's wedding this summer. Our nights consisted of strip games of Super Mario and home cooking together. It tore me apart to leave him. It still does. We tried starting back up again back in December.. huge mistake. But we always make those, don't we? Oh yes..

P - Man of my dreams.. sort of. Good friend of D, better friend to me. Always listens when I talk. Makes me feel important. Well, this is how it was until I broke up with D and decided to try it with P. Big mistake again. It screwed up our great friendship. We are still pals, but there are no more late night talks and lots of awkwardness between us. There may be rumors circulating of him being in love with me, but being afraid that he can't live up to D.

A - Summer fling in South America. Totally stole my heart. May or may not have made the perfect relationship. Lots of alcohol, lots of drugs and lots of mornings waking up going 'huh?' Only to find him singing to me dressed in a poncho. We had EVERYTHING in common. It was short-lived and perfect. Then we came home.. him to his girl and me to my D. Never spoke again. I'd like to keep it that way.. but that doesn't stop me from drunk texting him every four months or so.

AC - Best guy friend from high school. Comes in and out of my life every year around the holidays. Then disappears again, never to be heard of until next time. Makes me laugh harder than anyone in my entire life. He can finish my sentences. No chance of a relationship ever. In his words and my exact thoughts "Ew!! That would be like fucking my sister.. or myself for that matter!!"

B - The new guy. My current favorite. So good on paper. So fun on the phone. So entertaining on the internet late night style.. or when I'm bored at work. One problem.. haven't met him yet. Ha? Insignificant detail. So far all signs are green.. he calls when he says he will, makes jokes about me being a giant and always leaves our phone conversations with a promise to 'come over and make a huge mess in my apartment'. He works A LOT.. but fortunately his office just happens to be very close to my apartment. Convenient? Naaaahh!! My favorite part about him so far? He doesn't know anyone from this shithole town of mine, so it'll be a whole new crowd. Good. Less chance of running into some past bullshit, namely D's past bullshit. Said he'll call tonight. Psyched.

CB - Yikes. An old friend from high school that ran into me on the wrong night, not long after I left D. Made the mistake of introducing him to my luscious lips in a drunken stupor. Haha. It was my fault really, but I didn't know that he was in a bad place as well. He clung, he's a clinger. I felt bad, so I tried to make it work. Talked to him on the phone a lot, even tried one more little date-ish thing sort of? It wasn't working. I knew no amount of regular break-up was going to do it for this guy, so I took the pussy-man way out. I stopped calling him and never returned his calls. I suck. He probably hates me.

M - One of my longest relationships. Almost 2 years. It was while I was in college. M was a very good person, very good. Treated me like gold. He admitted after the break-up that he had planned on marrying me. The whole thing filled me with immense feelings of guilt. I dropped him like a hot potato. He tried so hard to conform to what he thought I wanted.. I tried to explain to him that someone who has to conform is what I don't want! But he persisted and persisted. It totally turned me off him. Years later I still feel badly about the way things ended and think about him a lot. When I found myself completely miserable and lonely, I thought of calling him. But I resisted not wanting to have to go through the horrible feelings of leaving him again, because I know that him & I are not meant to be forever. But he had made me feel so good and that's what I was craving. Attention, I think they call it. I'm proud for resisting. I can't justify uprooting his life all over again just to appease my loneliness.

So there they are.. the men of me. How pathetic. Okay, this was a depressing post. Thanks a lot.

Anyway, with any hope the new year will bring more luck in this department. 2005 really didn't do it for me. But I'm optimistic.. well trying to be.